Why is it so hard for me to speak. When I try to think of what I really want to say my mind feels in turmoil. The words never come out how they should. I don't sound like I want to. Seriousness gives way to frailty in my words. As a result I have always been a very internal person. I think, a lot, as you may have already heard. But I would say that less than 5% of my thoughts are ever actually shared. They are simply tucked away, mulled over for long periods of time.
What is the point of thinking if communication required to convey thought fails? Being so thought driven leads me to be "smart" about things. I look way before I leap. But being safe isn't a good thing. And besides, no one can ever be truly safe. Being on the lookout all of the time for confilct makes being blindsided by it even worse.
This will be the first time I reveal something about myself here. I am revealing an aspect of my personality that is important, but I can't do so without revealing my job. I am a cook. Others might call me a chef, but I don't feel I deserve that title yet. I suppose aspiring chef might be a better title. I am revealing this because when I am in the kitchen I am at total ease. Life inside the kitchen makes sense. The hierarchy makes sense. The meritocracy of it all makes sense. Food makes sense. It is outside the kitchen makes sense. I wish I could figure out why.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
Pain
Why does everything have to hurt so much? Why are we forced to feel sorrow? I always hear people say that sorrow is just the flip-side of joy and that you have to take one to experience the other. But why does it always seem that these two emotions come in waves?
I seem to go through phases of times of happiness and then phases of pain. In short bursts any emotion is manageable, but when I get swept up in a sea of pain it seems unbearable at times. When the sadness is so strong you can feel it physically, I sometimes wish I could die.
Luckily, that is when the joy comes and washes it away. But what if the joy refuses to come? What if you are just too sad for too long?
I seem to go through phases of times of happiness and then phases of pain. In short bursts any emotion is manageable, but when I get swept up in a sea of pain it seems unbearable at times. When the sadness is so strong you can feel it physically, I sometimes wish I could die.
Luckily, that is when the joy comes and washes it away. But what if the joy refuses to come? What if you are just too sad for too long?
Friday, June 1, 2007
Easier Said Than Done
Have you ever tried to stop thinking? I have become that the two biggest problems I had to contend with my development were; watching too many depressing romantic comedies starring John Cusack, and thinking entirely too much.
Now, it is easy to avoid John Cusack movies. Just don't watch them. That's easy enough. But the second problem, now that's where things get tricky. Have you ever tried to stop thinking? I don't mean sit and take a break. I don't mean focusing on something. I mean total and utter absence of thought? I dunno about you, but I agree with the Taoist that this sounds like the way to bliss. After all, what gets in the way of ones happiness more than ones' own mind?
However, actually ceasing thought is so much harder than you can ever imagine. You can try it right now. Close your eyes, turn off your mind and just exist. But there is a problem, the less you try to think the more shit pops into your head. I try it several times a day and it actually seems to be getting harder. As soon as I close my eyes I have to think of something in order to think of nothing so I focus on a color. But then my mind makes a correlation with that color and an emotion, or the weather, or whatever weird shit happens to be stuck in my brain. I tried thinking of a number, suddenly masses of binary coding are winging their way through my brain.
Does anyone think that total non-action and non-thought are even possible?
Now, it is easy to avoid John Cusack movies. Just don't watch them. That's easy enough. But the second problem, now that's where things get tricky. Have you ever tried to stop thinking? I don't mean sit and take a break. I don't mean focusing on something. I mean total and utter absence of thought? I dunno about you, but I agree with the Taoist that this sounds like the way to bliss. After all, what gets in the way of ones happiness more than ones' own mind?
However, actually ceasing thought is so much harder than you can ever imagine. You can try it right now. Close your eyes, turn off your mind and just exist. But there is a problem, the less you try to think the more shit pops into your head. I try it several times a day and it actually seems to be getting harder. As soon as I close my eyes I have to think of something in order to think of nothing so I focus on a color. But then my mind makes a correlation with that color and an emotion, or the weather, or whatever weird shit happens to be stuck in my brain. I tried thinking of a number, suddenly masses of binary coding are winging their way through my brain.
Does anyone think that total non-action and non-thought are even possible?
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Friday, May 25, 2007
Insanity
Do you ever wonder what it feels like to go insane. I mean, how does one tell if they are crazy when they can't trust what they think? Lately I have been in a black hole. Shit just seems to keep going wrong. I can feel depression seeping into my Brain and I feel helpless to stop it. At times like this I always think of my brother.
My twin brother actually. When we turned nineteen he started to act different. Then one day I watched him break down into a quivering mass of fear and delusion right before my eyes. This was the first episode in his bought with something between extreme bipolar and a light schizophrenic.
Thinking back to biology class and sociology class from high school, we both have similar genetics being twins and all. And we were raised by the same families and went to the same schools until highschool. So if nature and nurture are so similar, why him and not me? Did the four years we spent in different schools make the difference?
Of course, all of this leads me to another problem. If it happened to him will it happen to me too? Taoism would tell me that this doesn't matter because it will happen if it is going to happen and there is nothing I can do about it. so there is no reason to try and even think about it. After all, they are right about that. There is now way to prepare for what would happen.
My twin brother actually. When we turned nineteen he started to act different. Then one day I watched him break down into a quivering mass of fear and delusion right before my eyes. This was the first episode in his bought with something between extreme bipolar and a light schizophrenic.
Thinking back to biology class and sociology class from high school, we both have similar genetics being twins and all. And we were raised by the same families and went to the same schools until highschool. So if nature and nurture are so similar, why him and not me? Did the four years we spent in different schools make the difference?
Of course, all of this leads me to another problem. If it happened to him will it happen to me too? Taoism would tell me that this doesn't matter because it will happen if it is going to happen and there is nothing I can do about it. so there is no reason to try and even think about it. After all, they are right about that. There is now way to prepare for what would happen.
Monday, May 14, 2007
Moderne Nature
I just found a song that reconciles all of my confusion by expressing the basis of Taoist beliefs. And believe it or not, it was written by a Norwegian musician. Without Further Ado I bring you Modern Nature by Sondre Lerche:
I was amazed at the clarity of the message. Things are as they are and there is no way we could ever become smart enough or understand any of it through study. It will never help because there is no way the human mind could ever comprehend the true Dao (way).
It is hard to reconcile that all of my analyzation is just leading me in a way that could never help. I also realized how much I want to change myself. I hate myself frankly.Luckily The Tao Te Ching says:
Well, simple may not be exactly correct. It is hard unlearn everything you have been taught through life. But moving back is easier than moving forward in the manner I have been. I tried to find the answers and now I find the answer is not asking questions.
The moment has come, to face the truth
I'm wide awake and so are you
Do you have the clue what this is? (I don't know)
Are you everything that I missed? (Don't hope so)
We'll just have to wait and see (Wait and see)
If things go right we're meant to be
The surface is gone to scratch it off
We'll make some plans and let them go
Do you have the slightest idea? (No I don't)
Why the world is right when we leave (Is that so?)
Stay a while and wait and see (Wait and see)
If things go right we're meant to be
Oh, what a world this life would be
Forget all your Technicolor dreams
Forget modern nature
This is how it's meant to be
The time is here for being straight
It's not too early and never too late
People say I should watch my pace (What do they know?)
Think how you spend all your days (They all say so)
They'll just have to wait and see (Wait and see)
If things go right they'll have to agree
Oh, what a world this life would be
Forget all your Technicolor dreams
Forget modern nature
This is how it's meant to be
Do you have the slightest idea? (No I don't)
Why the world is right when we leave (Is that so?)
Stay a while and wait and see (Wait and see)
If things go right we're meant to be
Oh, what a world this life would be
Forget all your Technicolor dreams
Forget modern nature
This is how it's meant to be
Forget modern nature
This is how it's meant to be
I was amazed at the clarity of the message. Things are as they are and there is no way we could ever become smart enough or understand any of it through study. It will never help because there is no way the human mind could ever comprehend the true Dao (way).
It is hard to reconcile that all of my analyzation is just leading me in a way that could never help. I also realized how much I want to change myself. I hate myself frankly.Luckily The Tao Te Ching says:
Who is puffed cannot stand,There is no need to resolve my problems as I have been doing. I simply need to let them go.
Who is self-absorbed has no distinction,
Who is self-revealing does not shine,
Who is self-assertive has no merit,
Who is self-praising does not last long.
As for the Way, we may say these are "excess provisions and extra baggage."
Creation abhors such extravagances.
Therefore,
One who aspires to the Way,
does not abide in them.
Well, simple may not be exactly correct. It is hard unlearn everything you have been taught through life. But moving back is easier than moving forward in the manner I have been. I tried to find the answers and now I find the answer is not asking questions.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
"He who is unable to live in society, or who has no need because he is sufficient for himself, must be either a beast or a god."
Aristotle once said this. This just brings to my mind a question.
At what point did society become so ingrained in us, that to reject it makes one seem so arrogant? What is it about our brains that lead us to huddle together? I mean, as far back as you look there were animals in herds. However, they had lone predators just as long. Why is it that community won out over the lone wolf?
I guess that this could be a real world example of the nurturing and sustaining aspects of a society being more beneficial, but that doesn't mean that the loners are gone. We still have nut jobs living in log cabins and sending letter bombs. Then again, if our understanding over everything is based on the subjective basis of nurture, wouldn't it only be our perception that they were crazy?
At what point did society become so ingrained in us, that to reject it makes one seem so arrogant? What is it about our brains that lead us to huddle together? I mean, as far back as you look there were animals in herds. However, they had lone predators just as long. Why is it that community won out over the lone wolf?
I guess that this could be a real world example of the nurturing and sustaining aspects of a society being more beneficial, but that doesn't mean that the loners are gone. We still have nut jobs living in log cabins and sending letter bombs. Then again, if our understanding over everything is based on the subjective basis of nurture, wouldn't it only be our perception that they were crazy?
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