Quote of the Moment

"I dare you to make less sense."-Dean Venture, The Venture Bros.

Insanity

Do you ever wonder what it feels like to go insane. I mean, how does one tell if they are crazy when they can't trust what they think? Lately I have been in a black hole. Shit just seems to keep going wrong. I can feel depression seeping into my Brain and I feel helpless to stop it. At times like this I always think of my brother.
My twin brother actually. When we turned nineteen he started to act different. Then one day I watched him break down into a quivering mass of fear and delusion right before my eyes. This was the first episode in his bought with something between extreme bipolar and a light schizophrenic.
Thinking back to biology class and sociology class from high school, we both have similar genetics being twins and all. And we were raised by the same families and went to the same schools until highschool. So if nature and nurture are so similar, why him and not me? Did the four years we spent in different schools make the difference?
Of course, all of this leads me to another problem. If it happened to him will it happen to me too? Taoism would tell me that this doesn't matter because it will happen if it is going to happen and there is nothing I can do about it. so there is no reason to try and even think about it. After all, they are right about that. There is now way to prepare for what would happen.

Moderne Nature

I just found a song that reconciles all of my confusion by expressing the basis of Taoist beliefs. And believe it or not, it was written by a Norwegian musician. Without Further Ado I bring you Modern Nature by Sondre Lerche:

The moment has come, to face the truth
I'm wide awake and so are you
Do you have the clue what this is? (I don't know)
Are you everything that I missed? (Don't hope so)
We'll just have to wait and see (Wait and see)
If things go right we're meant to be

The surface is gone to scratch it off
We'll make some plans and let them go
Do you have the slightest idea? (No I don't)
Why the world is right when we leave (Is that so?)
Stay a while and wait and see (Wait and see)
If things go right we're meant to be

Oh, what a world this life would be
Forget all your Technicolor dreams
Forget modern nature
This is how it's meant to be

The time is here for being straight
It's not too early and never too late
People say I should watch my pace (What do they know?)
Think how you spend all your days (They all say so)
They'll just have to wait and see (Wait and see)
If things go right they'll have to agree

Oh, what a world this life would be
Forget all your Technicolor dreams
Forget modern nature
This is how it's meant to be

Do you have the slightest idea? (No I don't)
Why the world is right when we leave (Is that so?)
Stay a while and wait and see (Wait and see)
If things go right we're meant to be

Oh, what a world this life would be
Forget all your Technicolor dreams
Forget modern nature
This is how it's meant to be

Forget modern nature
This is how it's meant to be

I was amazed at the clarity of the message. Things are as they are and there is no way we could ever become smart enough or understand any of it through study. It will never help because there is no way the human mind could ever comprehend the true Dao (way).
It is hard to reconcile that all of my analyzation is just leading me in a way that could never help. I also realized how much I want to change myself. I hate myself frankly.Luckily The Tao Te Ching says:

Who is puffed cannot stand,
Who is self-absorbed has no distinction,
Who is self-revealing does not shine,
Who is self-assertive has no merit,
Who is self-praising does not last long.

As for the Way, we may say these are "excess provisions and extra baggage."
Creation abhors such extravagances.


Therefore,
One who aspires to the Way,
does not abide in them.

There is no need to resolve my problems as I have been doing. I simply need to let them go.
Well, simple may not be exactly correct. It is hard unlearn everything you have been taught through life. But moving back is easier than moving forward in the manner I have been. I tried to find the answers and now I find the answer is not asking questions.

"He who is unable to live in society, or who has no need because he is sufficient for himself, must be either a beast or a god."

Aristotle once said this. This just brings to my mind a question.
At what point did society become so ingrained in us, that to reject it makes one seem so arrogant? What is it about our brains that lead us to huddle together? I mean, as far back as you look there were animals in herds. However, they had lone predators just as long. Why is it that community won out over the lone wolf?
I guess that this could be a real world example of the nurturing and sustaining aspects of a society being more beneficial, but that doesn't mean that the loners are gone. We still have nut jobs living in log cabins and sending letter bombs. Then again, if our understanding over everything is based on the subjective basis of nurture, wouldn't it only be our perception that they were crazy?

The Connection

I was thinking today about how one could go connecting abstract thought and primitive instinct. I guess humans get jobs to support themselves and families. Family type grouping is often innate in mammals. I guess that would mean love is just the combination of animals' instinct to gather in groups, often related and advanced abstract thought. However, this is just my attempt at using logic to make a connection. Who knows if there is even a grain of truth in that?

Am I alone?

I asked my manager at work when he realized that he didn't really know what he was doing in any sense. He said around twenty so I guess I was a little early, but pretty much right on the money.
This all started with an argument between me and a friend. During the argument I came to the conclusion that there really isn't any point to what we as a people do. Who said we had to climb from the sludge and go through millions of years of evolution so that we can walk upright and use abstract thought, for what? So that you can grow up and be an insurance salesman? I just can't believe that is the overall outcome of all of our work as a species.
You may be thinking I sound whiny. You may think I sound crazy. Or maybe you have thought the same thing. Who knows? this is the kind of stuff that people rarely share with others. Fear of seeming incorrect or odd in social interaction leads to humans not being honest with each other. To truly find a companion we must find someone on the same level as ourselves. And by that I mean someone just as crazy as us.
Then again, I can claim to do no better. After all I resort to anonymity in order to say these things without fear of social reprisal. I wonder, who out there can truly call themselves open?

I Don't Know What to Say

I don't understand a lot of things. Growing up I was always under a naive impression that one day I would be like my parents and I would know everything.
Yeah, that thought changed when I got older and realized that my Dad was emotionally abusive and those plants he grew under the steps weren't tomato plants. I remember that he used to keep some buds on a tray with rolling papers on the kitchen table when as me and my Brother ran around with towels safety-pinned around our necks like capes.
Now, the realization that, not only were my parents not perfect, but they were extremely flawed was quite a blow to my young mind. However, I grew up and realized that knowing what I didn't know was what was really important. Who cares about the crap you can spout off like a spigot with a broken off handle. The problem with this is that most people don't feel the same way, and a Utopian society is not created by one man.
this is all a round about way to say the thing that is on my mind all of the time, but which I never tell anyone unless it is with a joking candor to not show it could be true. So here I say it now.
I never know what I am doing.
Never! I am making up everything I do as I go along constantly. So now I wonder, how many other people are doing the same thing? How many other people with a clue that they have no clue are walking around today? What do they do. Its one thing for someone with a fairly menial job like mine to no know what their doing? Teachers? cops? presidents?
And this makes me think of something else. If nobody knows what they are really doing, why are they doing it? Why does one become a member of society when they don't understand society, day-to-day life, or why they do anything?
I am not saying that I am better by writing this because I really have no idea why I am writing this, or who will read it, or why they would want to do so. I just want everyone to admit for once in our miserable and confused lives that they are just as confused as everyone else and they don't know what to do .

You may

You may be wondering why I am writing this. After all, a blog without a point isn't much of a blog. This is a place for me to write down all of the things that pop into my head. This is an anonymous post of my inner monologue if you will. A place to write the questions I don't have the nerve to say. The crazy stuff that goes through my head, leaving me wondering if anyone else has ever had the same thought. If you have any advice on one of these points please let me know.